THE

INVISIBLE JOB

How Sharing Home and Parental Responsibilities Leads to Happier Lives

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When women end up carrying the lion's share of parenting and home responsibilities  (especially on top of a paid job), the mental load it creates has huge consequences on their physical and mental health, personal goals, identity, career and long-term financial security.

Men’s failure to share responsibility for this HUGE job fairly with their partner lies at the heart of gender imbalance in society today. Creating equality and balance in your relationship leads to happier, more fulfilling lives for both partners. That's why both people need to identify and appreciate what The Invisible Job of parenting and managing a home actually involves – so you can then figure out together how to share it equally.

Before having children, none of us has a clue how our life is about to change. There aren’t enough hours in the day for all the things you want to do.....but that’s just life!

I SEE MEN AND WOMEN AS EQUALS

  • I’m a smart and independent young woman with a good education.


    I see men and women as equals. And have no interest in men who don’t. 


    I can’t believe that ‘the gender pay gap’ actually still exists. I certainly don’t plan on putting up with that when I start my career.

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I’m a smart and independent young woman with a good education.


I see men and women as equals. And have no interest in men who don’t. 


I can’t believe that the gender pay gap actually still exists. I certainly don’t plan on putting up with that when I start my career.

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Right now I’m just focusing on college

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I think I’d like to have children some day.


But not today…..or tomorrow…or even next week!


So yeah, college, finding out who I am and and having LOADS of fun.


Oh, and finding somewhere to live!

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  • I think I’d like to have children some day.


    But not today…..or tomorrow…or even next week!


    So yeah, college, finding out who I am and and having LOADS of fun.


    Oh, and finding somewhere to live!

Half excited, half terrified about becoming a parent, you are confident that you and your partner will figure it out, together. 

After all, it can’t be that hard. Right?

If I do choose to become a mother

  • My partner and I haven’t really talked about having kids.  Not seriously, anyway. 


    I can’t really imagine becoming a mother. But if I did decide I wanted to, that doesn’t mean choosing between a career and a family…..right? 

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My partner and I haven’t really talked about having kids.  Not seriously, anyway. 


I can’t really imagine becoming a mother. But if I did decide I wanted to, that doesn’t mean choosing between a career and a family…..right? 

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He’s a good guy

but…

  • I guess I do more than my boyfriend does when it comes to housework. 


    But he says that’s just because I’m a tidy freak. I do a lot of the cooking too.  


    Oh, and organise most of our holidays. 


    But he’s a good guy.  

    And you know…maybe life is just busy for everyone, right?

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I guess I do more than my boyfriend does when it comes to housework. 


But he says that’s just because I’m a tidy freak. I do a lot of the cooking too.  


Oh, and organise most of our holidays. 


But he’s a good guy.  

And you know…maybe life is just busy for everyone, right?


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But here’s the thing: even though you and your partner always felt like equals before, once you have children, there’s this HUGE new job that suddenly appears.

All my friends are getting married

  • Dating apps? They’re a minefield. 


    And if like me, all your friends are getting married, you really have to consider: do I want to wait for ‘The One’? 


    Or choose to settle down with someone who has different goals to me and also doesn’t see me as an equal partner?

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Dating apps? They’re a minefield. 


And if like me, all your friends are getting married, you really have to consider: do I want to wait for ‘The One’? 


Or choose to settle down with someone who has different goals to me and also doesn’t see me as an equal partner?


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We’re eight months pregnant

  • Honestly, I’m equally excited as I am TERRIFIED. 


    I’ve NO IDEA how it’s going to change my life. I’ve no idea if we’re READY for it!


    But I don’t think anyone’s ever really ready.


    I just keep telling myself that it’ll be fine; we’ll be fine.  We’ll just figure it out as we go.

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Honestly, I’m equally excited as I am TERRIFIED. 


I’ve NO IDEA how it’s going to change my life. I’ve no idea if we’re READY for it!


But I don’t think anyone’s ever really ready.


I just keep telling myself that it’ll be fine; we’ll be fine.  We’ll just figure it out as we go.


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Somehow, responsibility for The Invisible Job falls to mothers by default, while men are free to 'opt in' when it suits.

I never thought it would be this hard!

  • I know I’m meant to be excited about being a new mother but I just never thought it would be this HARD. The days are so long at home and never work out the way I hope. I miss being around people, I miss my job, I’m exhausted all the time and can’t remember the last time I looked good. 

    My partner, who is at work all day, seems to be managing fine. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this. 

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I know I’m meant to be excited about being a new mother but I just never thought it would be this HARD. The days are so long at home and never work out the way I hope. I miss being around people, I miss my job, I’m exhausted all the time and can’t remember the last time I looked good. 

My partner, who is at work all day, seems to be managing fine. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this. 

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Why is it always me?

  • Whenever one of our children is sick, why am I always the one that stays home? This was a really important week for me in work but my husband said there was absolutely no way he could cancel his meetings.  Does he seriously think I will get anything done while looking after a two year old? I’ll just have to try catch up later when once he goes to bed. 


    Why is it always me?

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Whenever one of our children is sick, why am I always the one that stays home? This was a really important week for me in work but my husband said there was absolutely no way he could cancel his meetings.  Does he seriously think I will get anything done while looking after a two year old? I’ll just have to try catch up later when once he goes to bed. 


Why is it always me?


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Mothers of young children are too exhausted to fully appreciate what the job involves - or notice that it is getting bigger every day. All you know is that you are about to crack!

And the better you do The Invisible Job, the more invisible it becomes, to EVERYONE, especially your partner.

I used to be amazing 

  • Before I became a mother, I was absolutely nailing it: I was  killing it in my career, I had a wonderful partner, loads of friends and we managed packed in SO much: music gigs, theatre, dinners out, weekends away. I had just started learning Italian and was in great shape, thanks to my twice-weekly gym sessions!

    Now I feel like I am constantly chasing my tail, surviving on caffeine and alcohol.  I don’t have time to stretch anymore, never mind run.  

    And worst of all, I am failing to be the mother I’m supposed to be. 

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Before I became a mother, I was absolutely nailing it: I was  killing it in my career, I had a wonderful partner, loads of friends and we managed packed in SO much: music gigs, theatre, dinners out, weekends away. I had just started learning Italian and was in great shape, thanks to my twice-weekly gym sessions!

Now I feel like I am constantly chasing my tail, surviving on caffeine and alcohol.  I don’t have time to stretch anymore, never mind run.  

And worst of all, I am failing to be the mother I’m supposed to be. 


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I keep my invisible job very low profile

  • This is how I look in my LinkedIn profile - the epitome of professionalism, right? 

    I’m deeply committed to my job and am aiming to make partner at my firm in the next two years. 

    Obviously, this means being a ‘team player’, so I can’t say no when it comes to international conferences, mid-week dinners with clients or reviewing urgent contracts. 

    I don’t want anyone to think that being a mother means I’m not at the top of my game! So I keep my Invisible Job very low profile.

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This is how I look in my LinkedIn profile - the epitome of professionalism, right? 

I’m deeply committed to my job and am aiming to make partner at my firm in the next two years. 

Obviously, this means being a ‘team player’, so I can’t say no when it comes to international conferences, mid-week dinners with clients or reviewing urgent contracts. 

I don’t want anyone to think that being a mother means I’m not at the top of my game! So I keep my Invisible Job very low profile.


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Imbalance in responsibility for The Invisible Job significantly impacts women’s career, financial security, personal goals, physical and mental health, along with their self-worth and identity.

My husband thinks she gets it from him

  • Personally, I think it might have more to do with who’s been has taking her to violin lessons every Tuesday for the last three years, who does the daily battle to get her to do 10 minutes of practice.  And who searches endlessly online trying to find an affordable second-hand violin every time she goes up a size, buys the books and takes a half-day from work every time she has an exam? But of course love, she gets it from you you!

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Personally, I think it might have more to do with who’s been has taking her to violin lessons every Tuesday for the last three years, who does the daily battle to get her to do 10 minutes of practice.  And who searches endlessly online trying to find an affordable second-hand violin every time she goes up a size, buys the books and takes a half-day from work every time she has an exam? But of course love, she gets it from you you!

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My partner doesn’t even know the invisible job exists

  • He has never brought a child to the dentist, doctor or hairdresser. Or bought a single birthday present for the endless birthday parties they go to. He doesn’t know where to find clean socks for our son or wrapping paper and a card. He doesn’t know the phone number of any of our babysitters or how much money the tooth fairy leaves. 


    And now he wants to know if I’ve seen his jacket, the one that needed dry cleaning last week. Does he just think the tooth fairy takes care of everything round here?

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He has never brought a child to the dentist, doctor or hairdresser. Or bought a single birthday present for the endless birthday parties they go to. He doesn’t know where to find clean socks for our son or wrapping paper and a card. He doesn’t know the phone number of any of our babysitters or how much money the tooth fairy leaves. 


And now he wants to know if I’ve seen his jacket, the one that needed dry cleaning last week. Does he just think the tooth fairy takes care of everything round here?


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It also limits the potential of what a man's identity as a father and a partner can be, has significant consequences for relationships.

Whether or not it results in breakdown depends on how long it takes couples to appreciate what The Invisible Job involves and have an open and honest discussion about how to manage it fairly.

The mental load

  • Jesus, my mind is spinning!


    I need to find a new childminder, pay for this term’s after-school hockey, figure out how to put a Screentime lock on the X-box, cook dinner, ring the school about my son’s missing coat, find cardboard tubes for my daughter’s science project, submit the electricity meter reading, renew the car insurance, buy new toothbrushes and make dental appointments for the kids and then send out 15 birthday party invitations!

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Jesus, my mind is spinning!


I need to find a new childminder, pay for this term’s after-school hockey, figure out how to put a Screentime lock on the X-box, cook dinner, ring the school about my son’s missing coat, find cardboard tubes for my daughter’s science project, submit the electricity meter reading, renew the car insurance, buy new toothbrushes and make dental appointments for the kids and then send out 15 birthday party invitations!


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Why do you come to bed so late?

  • My partner always moans that I come to bed so late.  And never understands when I’m too tired for sex. I would LOVE to come to bed early. But someone needs to clean up after dinner, do bath and bedtime, fold a mountain of clean clothes and throw another load of Babygros in the washing machine.  Then check the post for anything really urgent before finally pulling on my PJs.

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My partner always moans that I come to bed so late.  And never understands when I’m too tired for sex. I would LOVE to come to bed early. But someone needs to clean up after dinner, do bath and bedtime, fold a mountain of clean clothes and throw another load of Babygros in the washing machine.  Then check the post for anything really urgent before finally pulling on my PJs.

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Published in the UK and Ireland March 2021. Click here for updates and reviews.

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